Pamela, this is such a wonderful, heart-wrenching post that I can hardly find the words to respond to it. Your plan for finding happiness and balance in your life is just, well, damn fantastic. Too often we let work, chores, the internet, whatever, consume us to the detriment of our health, our families, and a life that taps into the mysteries and beauties of the universe. You've inspired me to think more about achieving a healthy and happy way of living - you're a great role model, lady! Thank you!

I'm guessing Striking Distance will be one of your favorite books you've ever written, given all of the struggle in writing it. I can't wait to read it. But it does sound like you needed some down time after that drama. Did you decide to scrap a manuscript and start over? Painful!

I can totally relate to putting life on hold until the to-do list gets finished (and it never does). I'm trying to practice mindfulness skills to breathe and live more in the moment. Planning a trip to visit friends and family sounds lovely!

I don't believe in 'stop living in the past.' It doesn't work that way. That's a message from the privileged position of someone who's never had these types of experiences. And it can feel hurtful, even from people who love us and truly want the best for our lives. If it's left you with any sense of negativity toward yourself I hope you'll be able to shake it off. Take the positive from the friend who loves you and wants you to be able to do exactly what you've outlined in this post, and reject any sense of shame that it left you with :). You are one of the strongest, most motivated, determined, non-victimish people I know. You've walked away from things that would have destroyed lesser people. That's the truth.

I DO, however, believe in everything you've outlined here and I'm so thrilled and so excited for you. Because this is platinum-level self care, the gold star of health and happiness. This is you fighting for the life you want and deserve. Not denying the pain or the damage, but saying, I deserve to have my life in spite of it, in spite of how it affects me every day. Which is absolutely true.

You're a treasure and an inspiration.

Your touching post reaffirms what I have been thinking about my own writing life. With only one novel under my belt, and sitting for hours working on the next, the health concerns came to the fore right away. I, too, took stock and knew I had to make changes so I wouldn't wreck my body in the process of writing. Gym, healthy eating, losing weight, keeping balance--all so important.

I am happy to hear you are making these positive changes because I love your writing and want to be able to read a lot more of your stories in the years ahead. Take care.

@Vanessa — Thanks so much! I’m glad it touched you. I think too many of us believe we are what we do. We forget the soul inside. We writers think we are our books, but we're not. I think being kinder to ourselves and better and steeping ourselves in the richness of life will probably make us better writers. :-)

@ Jennifer — I wrote the epilogue to STRIKING DISTANCE in a single stroke of inspiration — and then struggled with the rest, rewriting the first 10 or so chapters at least five times. It was agony. Whether it becomes one of MY favorites remains to be seen. Hopefully readers will enjoy it.

And, yes, that "to do" list isn't done until WE are done. And that's too long to wait to live.

@ Jackie — You are such an empathetic person! That is EXACTLY what I felt. Before the conversation was even over, I felt weighted down by a sense of absolute shame for the ways in which I am still affected by all of these things. I felt like a failure. Miraculously, I didn't cry when we were talking, but when I got home that's all I could do.

So thanks for saying that, because some part of me still carries — unwillingly — a sense of shame for being somehow "less than" because of the things that happened. It's hard to explain to someone who has never been sexually assaulted or beaten.

And thanks for the encouragement. I feel good about this new start and want to wake up every day with immediate joy as goal.

It reminds me of something my boxing coach used to say. At the start of one training session he asked how I was. I told him I wanted to jump off a bridge. He said, "OK, well, you can kill yourself later, but we're going to do some things that are going to make you feel good right now."

@ Cora — Good for you for recognizing this now! I'm 14 books in and 50 pounds heavier. Now I need to regain my health *while* writing. That's harder than holding onto it while writing. I wish you the best with both endeavors!

And thanks for your kind words! That means a lot to me. I hope to be here on this little planet for a while and have many more books I want to write.

Why is it that we let other things come before looking after our selves? Enjoy Europe, Pamela. You deserve it!

@ Jennie — Thank you so much! :-)

Awesome blog entry. I don't have the traumatic past you have, Pamela but I spent almost twenty years in some sort of caregiver role. I sacrificed a lot (with no regrets about being a caregiver) but I also kept myself in a shell thinking I wasn't good enough or capable of doing so many things (there is a huge list of things I've never done). For me it's about not thinking about what other people think about me or my choices and doing things I like to do. I changed jobs last month and took a pay cut in the process because I've decided I don't need stress or drama in my life anymore. And I'm already a ton happier than I've been in a long time. I'm feathering my nest (my apartment) for the first time since I've been out on my own and enjoying every minute of it. I've kept up my exercise and continue to improve my eating habits. So yes, I believe happiness is possible and I believe it starts with the small things of daily living that put a smile on your face. As for me, if anyone doesn't like me being happy then it's their problem and not mine. I think a lot of us (especially women) live to expectations that are not our own whether it's society, family, or anything other than our own needs and desires. My choice to be a caregiver was called noble and heroic publically but criticized heavily in private (and unfortunately a lot of that criticism got back to me and after a while a lot of people quit hiding their true negativity from me). Learning to let go of the past is harder than hell but I believe it can be done and I think each person has to figure it out a way for themselves. But I believe if you take care of yourself first and find your happiness then the rest will start falling into place.

MIchele — I'm so sorry that people reacted to you in such a negative way. Sometimes I don't understand people. But you’ve made some amazing changes in your life, and it sounds like you're headed in the right direction. I'm really happy for you! I hope that those darker, difficult days fade away for you. I wish you the best with your new life! :-)

Pamela, this post has me in tears. But they're happy tears. I just want to ditto everything that Jackie said. I love the term platinum-level self-care! That's what you deserve, and I am so inspired and thrilled and happy to see how you've laid out this plan of action, this battle plan, to get the life you want and deserve. I'm so proud of you!

Thank you for sharing, Pamela. Your perseverance is inspiring. I think we often get bogged down in thinking of all the things we "should" be doing and forget to focus on ourselves. We can't escape the past--it is and always will be part of who we are--but we can't allow ourselves to be held hostage by it, either. Your re-commitment to make yourself a priority has allowed me to realize I can do the same. Thank you and good luck.

Thank you for such an open, moving, inspiring post. As other people have said, it absolutely isn't anyone else's place to judge how, when, or even if we process, deal with, or heal from the damage we've sustained over the years (and you've certainly had far more than your share). Sometimes our daily coping mechanisms become so skilful, we may even forget about what lies underneath for a while, until something triggers it again. As a friend said to me the other day, you don't even realise what's happening until you take off the Kevlar and realise you've already been shot.

I clink the coffee mug of solidarity with you when it comes to the difficulty of balancing writing with exercise. My health, too, has suffered as a result of throwing myself into my writing for extended periods. Your positivity and commitment to making things better is fantastic, and I’m going to do my best to follow your good example! Sometimes I find it easier to make myself do things like go to the gym, or take a day off writing, by telling myself that the writing will be better for it – so the writing can be a motivation for the activity. It’s all about beating my brain at its own game. ;-) It’s never easy, but I wish all of us much success (there’s no such thing as perfection, and that’s okay too) in finding the balance that works for us, and having a damn good time along the way!

You inspire me Pamela!!! Thank you!!

@ Norah — Thanks so much! You're such a sweetheart and a wonderful friend! I love that term, too — platinum-level self-care. Sounds good, doesn't it? Jackie has way with words. :-)

You've been such a support to me, Norah. Don't think for a moment I don't remember or appreciate that. You rock. <3

@ Brenda — Thank you! And very well said. We get bogged down and forget we were meant for happier, better things. I appreciate your good wishes. Same to you in all your endeavors. :-)

@ Antonia — ::raising coffee mug:: We learn as we go, and a jolt like this one helped me face what I wasn't seeing in my day-to-day survival mode.

And you're right — finding that life balance as a writer is never easy. I wish us both luck with that! Happy living. :-)

@ Lori — Thank so much, Lori. I'm happy to hear that.

Good morning, Pamela!

Good for you. No, great for you. You deserve to be shamelessly happy. We (especially Americans, women) feel our right to things must be earned. This work hard to gain great things is a beneficial mentality, however...

Everyone, even at their worst, deserves to make pursue their happiness. In some way.

Project Happiness is something we all could focus on. As a single mother (and various other things), you're used to putting yourself last. In our society, it's expected mothers are "last."

This is directly against Project: Happiness. You can be first. You should always, most definitely, at least be no later than fourth or fifth on all days (children, writing to pay the bills, friends, you).

I like to believe we're only as good as we are happy. (I have no idea if this is true.) But it's a nice motivation--the happier we are, the better we can give.

Lastly, Striking Distance is your best I-Team book to date. I've told you this before, but the day after reading SD, I felt as if *I* had lived the story and had been changed. That says a lot about you, your writing, and the book that cost you so much.

But Pamela, let me be clear. I would prefer never read something as emotional as SD again if it equals you forgetting Project: Happiness and your health.

Great stories can be crafted in our imaginations. We cannot replace you.

Aw, Kristin, you're so sweet!

You're a mom so you understand the way work and family pull you in different directions. When you're a single mom, you really don't get many chances to put yourself first. And, as you said, we women typically don't think that way anyway.

I'm so glad you enjoyed STRIKING DISTANCE so much! I hope everyone else does, too! It was a story worth fighting for, but between you and me and all of humanity, I really don't want to go through that again.

I laughed and giggled and had fun with EXTREME EXPOSURE. That's how I want my next book to be.

And thanks again! <3

Pamela, I am so glad I took the time to read this. You continually amaze me with your openness and honesty. Truly inspiring! I love your work so please do what you have to do to keep the books coming. Keep up the good work on your journey to better health!

Hi Pamela,

I am proud of you! Weekends off, fun, exercise, planning a getaway, putting yourself on a higher priority than your writing! Woo-hoo!

Pamela, thanks for sharing so deeply and honestly. I kept this blog update in my inbox until I had the time to read it...which ended up being today. I knew you would be full of wisdom and I wanted to fully absorb your message.

I also have learned that a plan does not equate action, but that a single step in a desired direction is a start. The second step is usually easier. Pride to be taken in action is worth celebrating! Taking a break is also okay. Good luck! Please be gentle with yourself.

Sending encouragement, hugs and high fives.

Heidi